Suicide is all kinds of fucked up 2: Electric Boogaloo
 
Cats have a food and water mountain, should be good for at least a week.
 
The local shelter is amazing and will find them good homes.
 
There's a key under the red mat on the table on the back porch
 
All passwords on Chrome on comp, pass is Breach08
 
Nothing on laptop, but pass lowercase breach08
 
Mums phone and laptop 0827
 
Phone pin 6668
 
Dom gets everything of course, would appreciate posting on the Deus Ex subreddit about giving my collection away. It's the only thing of real note I own aside computers / consoles. Please also mention they should mirror my "Deus Ex Archive", uploaded online but the master copy of which can be found on my H drive H:\SSDB\Deus Ex Archive. Maybe send the drive to someone in the community, Hawk / Greasel or Han/Nah/Hanfling
 
All of mom's recipes I have on comp in a folder on C root called "Mum's Recipe Book" 
 
Some loose cash on bottom bookshelf inbetween Xena DVD and Heavy Metal VHS
 
 
 
Most importantly, please eat the last of the chili me and mom made in October. In downstairs freezer and hotel fridge. Only two containers left after funeral.
 
 
 
I wanted to wait until the last frost so I could harvest and maybe can some stuff, the garden was kinda the main thing keeping me going aside the cats, but it's just too much. Their might be produce out in the garden if anyone was interested, hopefully a buncha potatoes.
 
 
 
Please let my local Walmart know, my managers are Brett and Aja.
 
 
 
------
 
 
 
So I mean yeah, this probably isn't a big surprise. I already told Dominick I planned to kill myself after the last frost, I don't think he believed me, or just didn't want to. Just got mad at me, said I was manipulating him emotionally, like mom and dad did. I've always tried to hide my suicidal thoughts, any emotions too egregious really, since I was forced into the mental hospital. I didn't learn anything there except to hide how I feel so I can stay free. It's been in the back of my mind  entire life that if I ever get too upset I'll just be locked up, I've tried so hard to just stay as calm and inoffensive as possible and it's exhausting. I only ever broke and was honest how I felt three times with mom and two times with Dom. They both just.. brushed it off each time? I directly said I felt like killing myself to them, and apparently NBD? Turns out it hurts worse to not be listened to then locked up. It seems Dom and mom get to feel genuinely suicidal but not me. Mom finally in December listened to me tho, said she'd help me get the help I needed. It was beautiful.
 
But then she died.
 
Welp.
 
Everyone else in my family tried this so obviously my turn had to come eventually. I mean technically I tried a couple times before but pretty spontaneous compared to this tbh.
 
Please don't panic, if you're reading this I'm already dead. I scheduled this message to go out hours after. I'm sorry to disturb your mornings, I figured at least this isn't as bad as finding out in the middle of the day or night. My body is in the upstairs bathroom tub. The front door is unlocked.
 
 
 
I'm so sorry, I really tried to be better.
 
 
 
---
 
 
 
"Life is so unnerving - For a servant who's not serving. He's not whole without a soul to wait upon."
 
 
 
---
 
 
 
I'm in Nina's house, cleaning. Mom is in the hospital dying, Dom is at Sara's. 
 
 
 
I'm alone.
 
 
 
---
 
 
 
No matter where I go or how much times passes, when I close my eyes; I'm back there.
 
 
 
Mom is in the hospital dying, I see her face but it's not her, I hear the machines barely keeping her alive. No matter what I do I can't escape it.
 
 
 
I don't know why anyone thought it was a good idea to leave me at the apartment alone. I was given a "choice". But it was made clear that:
 
A: Dom already planned to go
 
B: If I did, there'd be really limited space, but I was *toootally* still invited. But y'know, it'd be cramped so yknowmaybedontgo is the impression that I get
 
 
 
In general that's the feeling I've always gotten from the family. I feel like it's preeeetty fair to say one twin got treated differently. I was thought of sure, but only because Dominick got thought of first.
 
 
 
When mom actually got better, we got the choice again. But this time slightly different
 
A: Dom already planned to go
 
B: If I did, there'd be limited space, but I was *toootally* still invited. But y'know, it'd be cramped so yknowmaybedontgo is the impression that I get
 
C: If I left, mom would be alone and almost certain to die without anyone to care for her.
 
 
 
So, while Dominick got the choice to simply leave or not. I instead got the choice to stay, or leave and *let my mom die*. Which sounds hyperbolic to say, but unfortunately there's a decade of near deaths attesting otherwise. The simple fact is mom would have died multiple times by now if she lived alone, and that fact was constantly hovering over my head and only getting heavier with time.
 
 
 
I keep hearing people say that she should've died long ago, that we got so much extra time with her because of me. How was that time used? It cost me my childhood and my 20s, and that time I sacrificed souch for was nothing more then squanderd. By mom herself too.
 
 
 
To be fair, I did really suck. Awful kid.
 
 
 
Dom got a second family, I got left alone to be a servant. Everyone knew and was somehow ok with this?
 
 
 
Apparently it's my fault for not being able to grow up, figure out and take care of myself, and also sufficiently communicate and reach out to the family for support if only I told the. what shoulda been obvious? That it wasn't OK for a child to be put in that situation.. All while taking care of physically and supporting mentally and emotionally as a child the adult who was supposed to be doing that for me.
 
 
 
I guess I was just that bad. 
 
It hurts but maybe it's true, I don't remember much from that time aside being angry.
 
 
 
I've tried so hard to move on from there. For a while, I thought I finally moved on when I had Dom, Lilly & Jay as a support network. When that collapsed I spiraled hard, it was the first time I tried to kill myself. Didn't really help that Lilly and mom both outed me to the family, so thanks for that ya'll. Dug at my wrists, wimped out. 
 
 
 
A few years went by, fell into a cycle of trying to pick myself up, save up money, me or mom overdrafting totally ruining our progress, me spiraling down, rinse and repeat. Eventually took a buncha Baxter's pain pills from when he was dying. Just fell asleep for like a day and a half. Mom didn't even really notice. Can't blame her, was kinda usual for me to stay up in a mania for up to days at time then pass out hard.
 
 
 
Pandemic happens, terrified everyday of mom dying from COVID. Absolute hell. 
 
Somehow survived!
 
 
 
Eventually decided what we really needed was a car again, would mean mom could get out, I wouldn't have to do everything, and I'm sure she'd be happier about it too. Actually manage to save up 1k for a POS, it's terrible, barely works,but it does. Makes a massive difference in our lives.
 
 
 
But ofc, we still overdraft. I have a breakdown. Crying on the floor. Decide I need to get a second job. 
 
 
 
Goes really well, getting out is good for me. Really good. I'm actually happy for the first time since I was a kid. But it's still hard, I feel like everyday I'm a square peg being pushed through a round hole. It's constant struggle but I actually mostly enjoy it if only because it's something different and gives me hope. The people especially, were amazing.
 
 
 
It took 3 years but me and mom finally got to an overall good place. I don't really have time for hobbies, but the house is clean, we have a newer car, we have money for stuff and are saving, also as a pretty sweet bonus I'm completely out of the closet, dressing in clothes that don't make me wanna die and generally happy with myself. 
 
 
 
It took 10 years just to get to that, a pretty friggin' low bar for most people. But I was so immensely grateful for it.
 
 
 
And I've lost all the progress we made.
 
 
 
I'm not going to have a car, I'm not going to be able to save money, I'm going to struggle everyday to survive like I have the past 8 months. I see so many mentally and physically troubled homeless people and I keep worrying it's inevitable I end up like that too.
 
 
 
I haven't been able to afford groceries aside a thing here or there, 95% of my food comes from the food bank.  I was only able to avoid overdrafting mostly by prostituting myself to random guys, which is somehow less humiliating then asking Dominick. He lords it over me and acts like it makes up for everything.
 
 
 
That hasn't been enough though, my account is completely overdrafted and just keeps snowballing more charges. Tried to ask to waive some, bank doesn't care. I can't open a new account elsewhere without an ID. I can't get an ID without money.
 
 
 
Given the state of the country, for a multitude of reasons things are only going to get worse for me on multiple levels. 
 
 
 
I live in a world that hates me for existing.
 
 
 
I am in constant pain.
 
 
 
I see how I only bring people down, especially Dom.
 
If I communicate, it's too much. If I don't, I'm shutting out. 
 
 
 
He said he'd help with mom all the time, but he never consistently did. No one did. It was me all the time. If he ever helped or even spent time with mom it took constant reminders and effort. We had weekly meetings that only happened if I made them. Weekly meetings that became bi-weekly, monthly, bi-monthly and eventually never. It became and has remained more work to ask for help then it is just to suffer by myself.
 
 
 
Even just trying to watch a *movie* together with him and mom was a chore. I wasted so much time on it. Apparently he was kinda knowingly skipping out on them 'cause he felt uncomfortable spending time with Mom, so, y'know, thanks for leaving us waiting so many times. If he was just honest and said no I could have spent more time with her instead.
 
I just wanted us to do a single consistent thing as a family, I was the only one who tried to organize something but at least mom cared.
 
 
 
He gave us money in emergencies, it added up to a lot, it was amazing of him to do.
 
 
 
But he also basically or literally ghosted us in every other way so often.
 
 
 
He actually said sorry for it when Mom died, said he'd be there.
 
 
 
After Mom died I was so alone, I begged him, I said I felt dark and alone and needed help and he just ignored it, for days or weeks I don't even remember, it felt like forever. Until I needed money, then he finally responded.
 
 
 
If he needed space he could have said anything, instead he just left me alone and ran away like he always did.
 
 
 
We speak completely different languages.
 
 
 
I say I was alone for years, I felt abandoned, I felt like I was just left to take care of mom. I try to communicate how dark and horrible things have been, how much I needed anyone to be there in anyway for me as a friend or family. To just care.
 
 
 
And he says, "I was there, I did care, I literally have receipts".
 
 
 
He did do so much for us. Financially.
 
 
 
But what we really needed was a son and brother. He does so little to maintain one when we need it but when he needed a familial relationship he just expected us to act the part. 
 
 
 
Not one year until last year when I finally refused to did he ever go a mother's day without forgetting until the day of and asking me to get her something.
 
 
 
Similar experiences every holiday. How this dude go and forget his *own* Birthday. I BEGGED him to at least *try* for us like me andom did for home. I asked if he could just set a reminder for mother's day, he got incredibly, absolutely indignant that it was too much to ask of him to do, that he wasn't good at holidays and we needed to meet him there. He was completely unwilling to even try to change and how dare I ask him. Apparently me and moms didn't put in any effort to get gifts out on time, it just kinda happened 'cause we were blessed to be magically good at looking at the calendar with a shipping time calculator.
 
 
 
Dominick kinda always expected us to meet him all the way. Like, literally. Lived in rifle ten years and he never tried to go once despite me and mom both asking and offering. We always had to go to him, wherever he was.
 
 
 
In his perspective, the money makes up for everything. It's how he felt most able to help so we should just be happy with that and forgive everything else.
 
 
 
I think there are at least a few dozen movies from the 80s n' 90s dealing with this concept? Hook was a good one.
 
 
 
I'd rather have been told "fuck you, your on your own" instead of ever being told he'd help in anyway. I'm not mad because it was his inherent responsibility, I'm upset because he said he cared, he said he would help, and then constantly left me hanging.
 
 
 
I just didn't want to be alone caring for mom, I don't know why that wasn't obvious to everyone.
 
 
 
He said I should have just left her alone to die. Since I wasn't able to make that choice, he thinks everything subsequently is on me. He thinks he made the same choice, like he chose to actualize at her expense. All he really did was push that choice on me.
 
 
 
It's all anyone did.
 
 
 
Why didn't anyone help? Why didn't anyone at least talk to me? 
 
 
 
Dom says people reached out constantly, he insists on it.
 
 
 
I just remember being alone for years. Mom would almost die or try to kill herself, no one would contact me? The most is that Sara would call and berate her for being sick and / or suicidal? What was up with that? 
 
 
 
I got some bd texts I think? I got a few when I got the job at Walmart?
 
 
 
I wasn't even allowed to go to my own grandfather's funeral? A man who doesn't even deserve that title. They only invited Dominick up to visit, never me. Yet another example of the families favoritism. But I'm sure how "unsociable" I was provided a perfect excuse to not even try with one twin. Then I was told by Mike I had to beg June to go. Both he and June blamed a goddamn child for their grandfather never trying to have a relationship with them. Such unbelievable cruelty.
 
I had saved up money for just mom to go,and when she denied to go out of fear of the family, mostly Sara, I thought maybe if you went I might be able to connect to the family. But June just ripped me apart, and no one, not even my own brother ever said anything 
 
 
 
Somehow everyone saw the situation with me and mom and decided "better not question that too much"?
 
 
 
I just didn't want to be alone all the time. I wish someone coulda been there. If not to actually help just to check in every now and then
 
 
 
I'm just so tired of being alone.
 
 
 
It must be my fault.
 
 
 
I think there's just something fundementally broken about me. 
 
 
 
I looked around the table the dinner after the funeral, and had the same realization I've had Everytime I'm around the family, stronger then ever. I'm just not like them, I don't know how to be, and no matter how much I want to be I can't, I don't know how to express myself the way I want to. I want to be able to show my love and care for them the way Dominick seems able, but no matter how long or hard I've tried I seem unable. I'm not sure I *am* able to. I'm a machine missing a piece.
 
 
 
I feel so much love for the family, they were my world, my heroes as a kid and no matter what's happened that's always still been the core of how I felt about everyone. I am angry, I do feel abandoned, but I'm pretty sure people think I just outright hate them because my dumbass can't smile and be nice? I don't know how Dom does it, I don't know how anyone does. I feel like I have all the same emotions as others, but instead of being able to directly or naturally express myself it's like I'm controlling a marionette, or I'm playing a game with constant lag. There's always a delay and struggle between what I feel and I'm able to express, and often by the time I figure things out it's too late.
 
 
 
I want even a fraction of the connection Dom has, but I think it just might be too late to build that.
 
 
 
I used to think if I tried hard enough i could become "good" again and bring the family back together, and me and mums wouldn't be alone anymore.
 
 
 
When Jack was born more than anything I wanted to be a good older cousin to him like Lily was to us growing up. Between me just being me and not being able to connect and mom moving us up to freakin' RIFLE of all places that never happened.
 
 
 
More than anything in the world I've wanted my family back. I try so hard to reach out, but it's like pulling teeth. I just can't seem to do it how I want to.
 
 
 
Whenever I talk to people, there's always this anticipation of rejection and / or rage. It's like in the back of my mind no matter what's going on I can see their faces twisted in rage at me. No matter how hard I try I always feel like I've done something wrong and I'm going to get yelled at. It makes me so anxious and worked up I can feel my heart race like I'm running and I just have to try to act normal. It's basically just as bad as actually being yelled at, maybe worse? I've gotten in trouble at work or had mom or dom mad at me or just in a fight with some random person I know online and it's almost a relief? Like at least now I *know* their mad at me. Wondering is exhausting.  Preeeeeeetty sure dad specifically is to blame for this one, dude was so bipolar and there was always good dad / angry day I think I got trained to be on guard for that with everyone. I feel like people are always just gonna get tired of me without warning. I think people just get mad at me and don't say anything. I know that doesn't make sense but I don't know how to read people and people apparently just don't straight up tell you if their tired of your shit and I'm constantly confused and defensive and just trying to not piss people off more than I probably already have. 
 
 
 
No matter how hard I want to reach out to people, or be reached out too. I just can't ever make it happen. There's a constant barrier between me and others. Even between mom and Dom. I felt it shrink between me and mom over the years, but it never got to where I wanted. It's only grown between me and Dom. 
 
 
 
People keep asking to help since she died, why know? It's just me now. Didn't mom deserve help, didn't I at least deserve help with her then too. Was Mom's ostracization just automatically applied to both of us and now that she's dead it's gone?
 
 
 
What am I even supposed to say when people ask what I need or what they can do to help when I don't know what I need or what they can do to help?
 
 
All I know is I need money to fix teeth, fix me or do anything. Am I supposed to just ask for money? It just makes me feel greedy and awful. 
 
 
 
I wish someone was close enough to be like "this bitch sad n' needs a casserole" or something, or help me figure stuff out, or just spend time with me. But that's not possible.
 
 
 
The most cared for I felt from anyone aside Mom is when Sara Andrews brought me over some homemade food when mom was dying, Dom was at our Sara's, and I was in Nina's apt alone. It's the only time I can recall someone doing something like that for me.